end of November

It seems time flies by. I try to keep busy but sometimes its hard to do that. Its either feast or famine with me. Im going 90 miles an hour or a dead stand still.

Im cleaning house again today. Its hard to do much with out a car . I stay home, which is kinda odd considering I have agoraphobia, I prefer to stay home but knowing that Im stuck at home triggers panic attacks,geesh cant win for losing lol.

I dont do art anymore,its all dried up and dead. I have no desire. After the last fisaco I dont care to even sort out my art stuff. I spent so much emotion with that it killed ever feeling off I have. Im either tired ,bored, or just here,marking time.

Which trully is a sad thing. My life is good,just lacking in quite a few areas. My family is healthy which Im thankful. Its just wow one more thing to add to the pile,like a house of cards,or dominos. Im a quite ashamed of myself for wasting time and my life.

On to better things now. Im going to dig out what Christmas decoration my mom had. I dont keep mine from year to year for whatever reason. I do have alot of lights,got a crapload of nice ones at a yard sale. Im talented and like doing crafts ,you would think I could make something,but naw.. Ok maybe I will go out in the shed and look for some wood to paint maybe a snow scene or Santa or reindeer. I need a wreath ,hmmm maybe I need to hunt some pine cones down. Wow I felt a slight twinge or creativity.

snow way Jose

Wow the first snow today, its melted by now. I dread winter I get so depressed during the long cold times. I need to find some activites to keep busy so I dont go nuts.

Im kinda in a lull,,not wanting to do any art right now.I did some demo work of a closet and tore up my room but its pretty much cleaned and organized now. Maybe thats the trouble its to clean. I need to find a second job,,i need the money and something to do.

Im kinda really lonely right now long story. Ok after a snack,water and im off to take a nap. I do more reading then I used to and Im also crocheting. Im trying to stay busy but geesh you can only do so much busy work.

What another art project?

I found some cool stuff on the ground. It reminded me of my ex. I dusted the stuff off and put it in my pocket. I made a cool assemblege with it,ok Im waiting for my son to give his gorilla snot so I can glue it down. I will post pictures maybe. A cute little have faded dinosaur,some broken smoothed down beer bottle glass and whiskey bottle bottom, with some wood and beer tabs. Also some bits of metal.
I think its going to look cool. I have not been this excited about my art in a long time. I cant be store bits and bobs though,so Im not taking up aseemblage for a new hobby.

Holy cow I have a headache. I rarely get them but today its bad. To much stress going on.

I slowed down on my swap bot activity and doing more art for myself. I have a fabric trade and a bingo prize to send out and I hosted one more Atc swap then Im done. Im working on two different art journals,the backgrounds and such . Next I will work on texts for them.

monday monday

What a morning,,one of my people got sick ..and i mean allover at work several times.

Budget cuts,,going to lose my ot shift. I can barely make it now. Oh well aleast I have a job still

Its hurting really bad today about him leaving me. I guess I should have figured it out day one.
I should be jumping for joy. I wanted a way to ended it and now its ended. Crying Im not much of a person who cries. My kids arnt either. I get numb. I think sometimes if i cry I would be better off. Opps here it comes tears and shaking lol. I just so scared about the future money wise and I feel so alone. I also listen to sad music then it plays over and over in my mind. I need to find a good song.


Im going to check my plants here in a few minutes, it hailed really bad last night. I had a cute little tomatoe on one of my plants.

sunday

I had a rough night at work. Im getting kinda worried we have a meeting this week about budget cuts, I dont think I will lose my job but im sure I will lose my over time shift. I cant make it with out that shift.

Im so worried about my older son and his drinking. It rips me to shreds. It pulls the rug out from me. I can handle most things but it kills me when he calls me drunk or I find out he is drunk.


Ok one more negative thing. It likes day 3 now no word from the snake. Its getting better. I have to admit . I just need to round the bin and I will be ok. I knew knew he would throw me under the bus. Im so dumb . I guess it is my independence day. He promised me he would tell me if he wanted to end it but he chickend out. I miss the daily contact . I lived with fear and dread that he would end it so Im glad it over now. This is the day I waited for for about a year.
The powers that be must have felt sorry for me and caused this freak happen stance .

Ok onwarded. I got more stones for the gardens. I need to unload but im tired and its getting ready to storm. I think I will sleep most of the day till my younger son comes home. I might drag out some kind of craft project to do. I used to love to do stuff now that I have room Im not interested. I really jacked up my coffe table lol I spilled water and it made a red school folder lose its dye,,opps then I spray painted the whole thign white,duhhhhhhhh. Now I have to sand it all down. Start over.

I did enjoy the river I took pictures and nature. I think I pissed off the goat man I didnt mean to get him in my pics. Its nice to go there sunday morning to get the rock. Im going to start adding pics to my blog.

I kinda ran out of money on the remodeling and im pretty depressed anyway. I guess I should be thankful I have a home now. Im trying hard to make it home for my son.

On a different note. Im very sad my relationshiped ended. I knew it wouldnt last forever but it hurts real bad. It wasnt a very healthy thing in the first place. I feel like never leaving the couch. Im so lonely and I feel so trapped no friends ,no support system. I guess I should thank the powers that be,that it ended, I want to move on so bad but keep sinking in the sand.

I redid alittle spice cabinet, it was 70 funky style but it now shabby chic white kinda. Its cool . Im kind into shabby chic,,all things white. I keep telling myself it takes time,i ts more fun to do a little at a time. That way I dont get overwhelemed.

happy fourth of july..

woo hoo its cooled down

Wow todays its cooler then it has been all week. Im too poor or tired to do much work now lol. It feels so nice.

The money pit is hungry. I called the exterminator,, I cant handle ants, spiders,bugs, The floors have been f*d up from so many leaks. and the buggies l;ike that. Its better now to have them take care of it instead of me finding surprises as I tear things up.

I am very over whelmed about this remodeling bit. I keep telling myslef it will all be good. I hope to have the big stuff done by november. I have leaky stuff in the bathroom. I need to take care of the leaks,then the floors,then the pretty stuff comes last. I rember I hate being a home owner. I need a aniexty prn lol. I hate being broke.Im not usually this bad off.

I keep telling myself this is good ,this is good. It will be good.

I did do some drawing and painting last night. I need to get out of the house. Im starting to go batty. I like my painting but the ladies hand is to dark. My colors kinda got muddy and murky but I think I can fix that.

On the other hand I am feeling better.

rock gardens

I hit the jack pot. My ex lives down by a river and he let a cement company dump their old stuff. I have been down there 3 times to get trunk load of red broken concrete slabs. I also got a load of some kind of river rocks. Im waiting for my son to someday take his pick up truck down and I can fill it. I love it. Its a welcome project here. I can only lift so much but its a nice drive by the river and its peaceful but its in a bad part of town have to becareful. A trunkload gives me enough to do a small project each time. I have to watch out for snakes,skeeters. I will take pictures as I go . Im keeping a journal as to what all I do here. It was a mess when I moved in.

Its sad living here with my parents both passing and my brother lives here. My son moved last night ,so its not so lonely. I have a lot to work on,redoing floors they are falling threw. The carpet stinks. painting,more leaks in the bathroom. We still have to get the trailor signed over into our name. I miss living with the grandkids. I have been kinda sick lately a reoccuring sore throat. Losing weight but its hot and I have been more active.

moved again

My dad passed away 3 weeks ago. I moved in to the trailor with my bro. MY son is coming also but he hates the idea. Its old and my brother is weird.

I was happy at first the remodeling but it cost so much money and it s so yucky here. I dont know how my parents lived here,its was a filth hole.

Im lonley with out the grandkids. So lonely and shaun not moving over . I have to make him I guess. Im tired and dont feel good kinda depressed.

visitng the mad hatter tea partys ..woo hoo

squirells ,,what are you nuts?

Well i saw on the exteremator tv show last night they arnt as dangerous as raccoons,,We have a litter critter loose in the house.. The ex doesn't care and wont do anything about it,,I cant wait to move,PS i m terrified of those little shits anyway.

Snow and cold today. I hate Wyoming,,I don't deal well with the heat but ewwwwwwwwwww. I have car today,,,shauns is kinda running. I borrowed my daughters yesterday blissful day of running around.

Explain to me how you can love a person so much but yet want nothing to do with them. I guess its cant live with and cant live without. I miss him so much. Someday will come and he will never comeback. Is it better to love someone you never would stand a chance with and enjoy the moment? Or come to your sense and sit on your hands wanting for the perfect man,MR right?

Yuck we have a horrible viral stomach and congestion thing going on here,,my son has been bed sick for about a week. I'm fighting it off.

My art class is Saturday.I'm don't know if I can do it. I suck and I don't like being away from the house that many hours..4 hours is bad but luckily the class is only 3.

I had a friend say he was to busy living life to sit and journal about it. I guess we all have different lives what works for some..etc etc

omgsh I can hear the little bastard running across the attic,, Im scared. we have open area so he or they can get down in the house.

In a blizzard

Yuck,,its the tail end of a blizzard here in wonderful Wyoming. I'm thankful I have a roof over our heads. well Shaun's ceiling is ready to fall in on one side. long story. I have the flu or something,Shaun was sick all weekend. I get up and move I get dizzy. I have cabin fever though. No car,,.

I couldn't go to work last night no car,things got messed up the poor women had to stay she had been there forever.It wasn't my fault,I called in and got my absence approved.

I had a good time in Denver . I saw so many homeless people,its real unsettling. I cant believe one block away is multimillion dollar condos,then the next block is homeless people by the hundreds on a street corner. The world is so unfair. I'M broke as shit , poor living with other people. I have a job though so I guess I'm so much more blessed. Wow i kinda hate saying that. Does God know about these people? I need to give or do something for these people.

I really enjoyed the hotel,pool,hot tub,balcony for a few hours I felt so good.We were so lost most the the time. Most the time we were in the car lost. I liked the zoo.

I start my art therapy classes Saturday. I'm really happy but having anxiety attacks about it. I suck as a artist but I guess that's what I need,,lessons. I'm taking the online classes also. I'm kinda so so about them. A homeless dude did a sketch of the kids,,wow. He was so good. I gave him 20 bucks,he only wanted 10 but I don't know if that was enough or not. I'M broke ass but he needed it more then me.

Man I saw a part of the world last weekend. I'm still processing it. I wish I could just do things and not think so damn much about them. I will get though this next few days stuck in this place,bad weather ,no car,no hope of any car it seems . All the cars I have access to are dead.

Wow.

First day..

I decided to do a public blog. I know most of them are for the public ,but if I can help one person in life so be it. OK I will blog about everything but some of my main points are artsy fartsy stuff ,art,,,long distance love , chatting, love, or lack of love, teenagers,grandkids,relguoius beoifs of lack of them, mental health issues. Stuff that people get all pissy about when you post in their forums lol.heheheheh got to love the internet.


Let me tell you about me. Im 43 single women,for varies reason I remain single and at this time that I wont discuss here. I have severe depression and dsythmia. I have agorphobia,,however that is spelled ,it comes and goes. I had a hysterectomy in January,, I tried all the hormones therapy ,they didnt work ,plus I have had blod clots in the past so hormones are a no no. I went cold turkey. I think that through me into a deep depression right now. So you will rarely hear sunshine and puppies discussed here. Dont get me wrong I am happy deep down..I think. I do love life,,ok well love is a strong world. I am very amused/bewildered at life, all the shit that happens, good or bad.

I love to paint,do altered art journals, atc, found art. I just stated a online drawing classes from my community college. Btw I have dysagraphia ,a writing disorder. So I do try hard to do the proper grammer thing ,but it is my blog, Dont read and comment about my spelling and lack of proper grammer. ok? Also I hope to do some art therapy at the mental health center.

Im going to Denver for the weekend. The ex felt sorry for me and we all(him,me ,the 17 year old son,8 year old grandaughter) are going, he is footing the bill. NO we dont have a relationship ,sexual,, first and foremost to clear that up right away. We do live together for different reasons. Next week I plan to move in with the daugter..hmmm that will be fun yeah right.. Anyway I had some internet bf drama last night ,threw me into shit ,crying on the floor mode. It kinda f*** the whole trip. Now I'm going to be worried about that all weekend. I am going all weekend without chatting,,yeaaaaaaaaaaah. For those of you who dont know,, im severly addicted to the computer.

This is hard to blog. I don't want to tell everything. You will get bored or call the loony bin on me. OK art,,, I did two paintings this week and I am working on a drawing now. MY work is more emotions based,, My art teacher wants to look at my work,,hmmmm I don't know how my fairies and people screaming with brains dripping out and knives in a broken heart will fare with him. OH I have also started working on some short stories. I try to stay busy ,not think of things but sometimes it makes it worse just doing busy work. I really need this weekend trip I mostly live in my computer. I do work and take care my family don't get me wrong.

I have to address one more thing.. I'm up for suggestions about life but I am serverly addicted to my laptop and the Internet. It has been a two edged sword the Internet.. A man I let totally f up my world. Yes I have mental health issues. Its a bad deal I wish I could walk away from him..will I ever meet him ,nope. He is kinda like my invisible friend you have as a kid.Some time he is fun to play with sometimes he is like the boogey man in the closet. I'm one sick puppy.